Flaws and All…

True love is a weird thing. It forces you to be humble. And brave. And sincere. It forces you to make grown up decisions about the direction you need to go.

If you believe what the Bible says about it, you trust that what 1Corinthians 13:4-8a says is true: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I found love. And while I’ve known this young man for quite some time, but (without all of the background (READ: personal) information) I have to admit that I just came to this realization. Like, JUST realized.

When it occurred to me that I really did love Forest, the first song that popped into my head was Beyonce’s Flaws and All from the B-Day Album:

Lyrics:

I’m a train wreck in the morning
I’m a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I’m a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren’t even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

[Chorus]
I don’t know why you love me
And that’s why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that’s why I love you [3x]

I neglect you when I’m working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I’m a host of imperfection
And yet you see past all that
I’m a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I’m a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
and that’s exactly what I mean.

[Chorus]
I don’t know why you love me
And that’s why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
and that’s why I love you [3x]

[Repeat Chorus]

This is the video (you may have to turn the volume up a bit):

While super ironic that this song popped up (considering that I LOVE Jay-Z and cried in bed all day when I heard he and Beyonce were married), it’s so fitting. While discussing the dilemma of actually dating this guy with Star, I explained that Forest knows me so well-too well. He knows the good and bad: from the fact that I’m a major trash talker to the details of my Jamaican fling. And he loves me anyway. I mean, without judgment.

During a text message conversation (Welcome to the Future!) on Wednesday, I reminded Forest of a prior conversation we had about having a baby AND a dog –together. I told him –without any prodding—that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him; that we would be the cutest family with his older daughter, our daughter (we’ve already chosen a name) and maybe a son (as if we have a choice!) and our two dogs (I want a tiny one that I’ll call Meatball; like most men, he wants a big protector dog). I asked him if it sounded like a great idea. I told him that while he probably thought I was too high maintenance and maybe even a gold digger (I’m attracted to artists for goodness sakes! I CAN’T be all about money!), it should be clear to him that it doesn’t take much to make me happy.

Never in life have I thought I wanted to “settle down” (marriage, to me, is equal to death) and have a family. I mean, I loved my ex and I have no interest in using this blog to trash him and what we had. But this is different. It’s effortless and deep. Not to say it doesn’t offer complications or that it will last forever. But for now, it’s honest. It’s just different.

I can honestly say that I truly believe Forest will love me always. He is not perfect, but he wants to make me happy. I have never experienced that type of love from a man. I didn’t even think it was possible. But now I see that it is.

Sadly, like most women scorned, I am not capable of accepting it. And I never realized I was that type of woman. So it has been a constant struggle, with daily prodding from Jax, Star and Glover, to have me accept the love being offered. While still reeling from the emotional, mental (and occasional) physical abuses of previous relationships, I am slowly coming to terms with what I want from a man, from a relationship. I think Forest might be it. Until then, I am taking it slowly. Learning to truly love God and truly love me, so that I may truly love him.

Peace.

~ by justme1a on August 26, 2008.